The Masyaf Metalheads
by JGT-298
Summary: Altair has been keeping something from the order. Maria doesn't know what it is and sends Malik to keep an eye on her husband, but she won't like the outcome.
1. Memory 1: Malik's Visit

**I don't own.**

_**Assassin's Creed: Metalhead.**_

Masyaf, Syria, 1200 AD, 9:45 A.M.

"Altair!" called Maria "Darim and I are going to the market! Do you need anything?" Altair, now Grand Master of the Assassins, was staring at the Apple. Maria knew something was wrong, so she went up to the Grand Master's office. "Altair, we're going to the market. Do you want us to bring something back for you?" she asked. 'Strange…..' Maria thought 'Altair has been like this for two days now….' Before she could do something about it, little Darim tugged at his mother's wrist, "Can I call him, Mama?" pointing at his absent-minded father. The Englishwoman found it adorable whenever she saw her son acting like he could take care of the situation, it was all too cute of him. She crouched down to his height and gave him an encouraging smile. "Go ahead," she said "straighten him out." Then, with a smile, the little one walked towards his father, who was STILL staring at the Apple, like no one's there.

"FATHER!" Darim shouted as loud as his little lungs can, causing Altair to draw his sword, pushing a big pile of books out of his way in the process. Which then landed on poor little Darim. "Who goes there?" "Please…get…this thing…off of me!" said the boy "Darim? What are you doing here?" Altair asked, collecting the books "Sorry about that, I was just listening to something." Then he looked up and saw Maria in front of the desk, tapping her foot on the floor. "Oh, hello Maria. What are you doing here? I thought you were visiting Kadar?" "Altair, that was two days ago…" Now, he was confused. "Two days ago?" Maria nodded in affirmation "You've been sitting there in your underwear for two days and now you smell like decaying fruit!" With the expression of dawning realization plastered on the Assassin's face, he sprang up and requested that a tub be brought to his room "IMMEDIATELY!" he yelled. "Anyway," Maria continued "Darim and I are going to the market, do you want us to bring something back for you?" "Some shawarma would be nice." "Okay, whatever you say…" With that Maria took Darim into her arms and went for the market, but not before Darim saying "Bye bye" in a way that would make bikers go squee.

Soon after leaving the walls, Maria saw Malik, Altair's old colleague, walking up the path whilst clutching a load of papers. "Hello, Maria." greeted Malik "Oh, hello Malik," Maria replied "So nice to see you here. Darim, say hello" "Hellooo!" waved he. "Such an adorable child, you have." Malik said "Is Altair there?" "Yes, why?" "I have these documents he requested, it's about this arms dealer in Jerusalem. I can't tell everyone the specifics." "Alright, but you have to wait, he's cleaning himself up" She looked back at the fortress "He's been staring at that Apple for days now, would you keep an eye on him, to make sure he gets his job done?" "Certainly" Malik said "All right, thank you, Malik." That said, Maria and Darim went down to the village.

This is going to be a long day...


	2. Memory 2: A Friend's Curiosity

**Sorry for any mistakes that I've made in the previous chapter. I know it was kind of boring. Here is the second chapter. Hope you like it.**

**P.S.-No flaming, I'd rather not have an inferno on my hands.**

_**The Masyaf Metalheads: Part 2**_

10:00 A.M.

No words could describe Malik's face the moment he saw Altair taking a bath at the garden. It was as though he had seen Goatse in the flesh. Altair was filthy; with his lower face growing a beard, his hair all dusty and his face looking like he had been to Helghan and got stranded there for six years. And the tub? The tub was so huge Abu Nuquod could have fit in there _perfectly_. And he was singing a strange tune in a language that Malik immediately identified as German, a strange form of German. "Altair?" Malik asked, hoping to elicit some sort of response from the Grand Master. "Altair?" he asked again, but Altair didn't answer, all Malik got was a couple of "Mein Lands" and humming. The Assassin just kept on flailing his arms about as if he were conducting an orchestra, as well as headbanging here and there. By now Malik was exasperated, he looked around, and saw others watching Altair. 'Damn it, Altair. You'd better thank Allah that Abbas isn't here.' Malik thought; then he noticed that Altair was clutching the Apple all along. "For the love of…." He groaned, stomping on Altair's right hand afterwards. "Malik," Altair yelled "What the hell?" "I've been trying to get your attention, Altair. But all you were doing is singing whatever-the-hell you're singing." "Mein Land?" Altair interrupted "Whatever. I have these documents for you; it's about one of our novices' intelligence-gathering on that arms dealer back in Jerusalem. Here it is." Malik then handed one of his scrolls to him.

"A recipe for pomegranate cake?" asked Altair "You're baking now?" "Oh, crap..."Malik took the scroll and gave him the other one. "It's uh…I-It's a hobby!" he sputtered "No need for you to meddle in it!" "Hmph…Baker." Altair muttered. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence later, Malik said "Maria told me to keep an eye on you." "Really?" Altair replied, still focused on the scroll "What did she tell you?" "She told me to keep an eye on you; prevent you from getting distracted." Malik walked towards the Apple, which rolled a couple of yards away from the two when the cripple stomped on Altair's hand. Picking it up, Malik continued "I'll be putting this back on your desk; you study that parchment for a while, see what we can do about the target." Looking as if he were told he had AIDS, Altair cautiously said "I wouldn't do that if I were you." "Why," Malik replied, grinning "afraid I might make 50 copies of myse-"All of a sudden, Altair sprang up and tackled Malik to the ground. "HOSHIIT!" he yelled "Altair whadda fuck?" "Malik, there are things in this relic that you may not comprehend!" "Like you wrestling me in the nude?" Malik retorted "Jesus, Altair. If you were going to wrestle with me, at least get some clothes on!" "Wha? Why you little-"

5 minutes later, the fight was over. Malik shoved Altair back into the tub, and ordered the surrounding guards not to let him pass unless he was done bathing. 'By the heavens is this desk a mess.' thought the One-Armed Rafiq as he sat down on Altair's chair. Closely studying the Grand Master's desk, Malik found something of particular interest to him 'Lyric sheets? Altair is a part-time minstrel now?' His mind tried to conjure up the image of Altair Ibn-La'Ahad, legendary Assassin, playing a musical instrument 'No, it can't be…he's too stoic to entertain a dog' But his curiosity got the best of him. Soon, he was rifling through the stacks of parchments, scrolls, and the insides of book that large enough to be called doorstoppers. "The Memory Remains, Welcome to the Jungle, Hell's Bells, and what the fuck is Bohemian Rhapsody?" he said to himself. There were a total of 45 pieces of paper containing the lyrics, chords, and dates of 90 different 20th and 21st Century metal songs scattered all over the desk. After finding them all, Malik turned his attention to the Apple.

He took the silver ball in his hand and held it close to his eyes "So…" he started "this is what you've been showing Altair. Fine, show me what all of this is." Slowly, the Apple glowed brighter and brighter until…BOOM!

The Apple showed him the answers alright…

**So there it is, The Second Chapter. I didn't know if you got the Rammstein and Ask Altair references in the first and second paragraph, but still. If you like it, please leave your reviews. If you didn't, criticize it while keeping curses at an absolute minimum, and do so with respect. **_**Paalam!**_** (Goodbye!)**


	3. Memory 3: A Little Secret

**Sorry for the really long hiatus. Here's the third chapter, sorry for the reduced amount of comedy on this one. Hope you like it.**

_**The Masyaf Metalheads: Part 3**_

10:45 A.M.

The Apple glowed as bright as a flashbang, causing Malik to drop the silver ball and shield his eyes. "What on Earth is this?" he asked himself. Slowly, the Apple's glow subsided, revealing a number of floating squares labeled "folders". Malik got up and looked around him 'Amazing…' he thought 'So this is what Altair has been hiding from the order…' Just then, a so-called "folder" with Malik's name on it caught the crippled Assassin's eye. "Hmph, how thoughtful of Altair, he gives me my own square in case I managed to snoop around his private correspondence." He touched the square, and sure enough, it enlarged. Then it played a recording of Altair, which was so lifelike all Malik could do was stare at it mouth agape, wondering what magic this "video" uses to project such images in a fluid motion. Soon, the recording started "My brothers," the video-Altair said "if you are viewing this, it is pretty obvious that you somehow took possession of the Apple and decided to view its contents. This artifact has taught me many things; of life and death, of the past and the future. However I fear that what you find here may lead you to madness. As a precautionary measure, I have attached another message that will play following this one, which contains a warning to ALL who would, out of curiosity, decide to see what I have already seen. Goodbye." Then, before Malik could close the box…

"U Can't Touch This!" Malik jumped back in surprise. Readying his sword, he looked back at the source of the music. "U Can't Touch This!" Malik saw what appeared to be a funnily-dressed Afro-American man dancing wildly in a style that the Assassin likened to a child in a candy shop, singing in a weird dialect of English "Look at my eyes! Bleh! You Can't Touch This!" Feeling like he was being insulted, Malik sheathed his sword and touched the "back" button, exclaiming "Bah! I don't need to see this!" Soon, he was back to the "main menu" of sorts. Eventually, he was browsing through Altair's music files 'Hmm…' Malik curiously thought '"Metallica", "Bon Jovi", "Guns n' Roses", "The Rolling Stones", what weird names…' And then Malik saw a folder marked "Sidilarsen". He opened the folder and picked out one song out of the 10 Altair had bookmarked.

As Sidilarsen's "Retourner la France" started playing, Malik found himself overwhelmed by the euphoric melody of electric guitars…

Meanwhile, Altair had just finished bathing in his crater of a bathtub. When the servants brought him a new set of robes, he hurriedly put them on and walked back to his office, with anger gleaming from his eyes. By now he was ascending the stairs to his desk, but Malik… he was headbanging like crazy. Altair saw a scholar watching the cripple, who upon noticing the Grand Master, asked "Master, is he possessed? Should I call a healer? Or an exorcist?" "No," Altair replied "What you're seeing is an effect of the relic; he's not possessed; he's delusional, seeing things; as a matter of fact all this you're seeing is a dream." Confused, the scholar said again "A dream?" "Yes, a dream." The scholar then rubbed his head with his hand "Come to think of it, I am getting sleepy…" His feet wobbled a bit, before collapsing where he stood.

Free from witnesses, Altair moved up to his desk where Malik had been rocking out for 10 minutes. "Malik?" No answer, Malik was still headbanging "Malik! In the name of…" Altair took the book that his son had been squished under earlier and gave Malik good whack to the face. "Malik what the hell were you doing with this artifact?" Altair angrily asked "I was just-" "You were just what? You'd better be lucky that that gullible scholar Hassan was your only witness. What if it had been Abbas?" "Hassan was watching?" "Yes, you novice!" Altair yelled. Malik is knee deep in crap now. "I'm sorry, Altair." The Master was surprised; Malik hadn't said that to him since they were both novices! The look on Malik's face at that point was akin to a child who was caught stealing a basket of fruits. "Look, Malik." "It's ok, Altair, you need not apologize for going too far. I deserved it." He then proceeded to leave the Grand Master's office. But before Malik could leave the keep, Altair caught up with him. "What is it, Altair?" Malik asked.

"You know," Altair said with a sinister grin "there is something you could help me with. That something would count as your apology…"

**Right, so there it was. The Third Chapter. By the way, I'm planning on a sequel set after the 5****th**** chapter; "The Roman Rappers" with Leonardo and Ezio. And as for the last line, don't get any ideas. I ain't a yaoi shipper.**

_**Maraming Salamat po!**_


	4. Memory 4: The Concert

**Thank you for the reviews. I was surprised. I didn't think the previous chapter would be anywhere near funny! Alright, here's the Fourth Chapter.**

**By the way, please don't sue.**

_**The Masyaf Metalheads: Part 4**_

11:15 A.M.

"Darim, please, eat your food!" Maria begged as she tried to feed her son some vegetable soup. "No!" was the child's reply. Maria sighed "Why won't you eat your food, Darim?" "Because Assassins eat meat! Look at Father! He can climb up walls and uh, jump fwom very high beeldings, and…" Maria sighed and put the soup aside. "The burdens of motherhood!" said the woman behind Maria "Looking at your son, I suddenly remember my own! His name's Abdul; 10 years ago he was doing nothing but jump all around the house trying to imitate his father. I still remember when he broke his legs imitating a leap of faith!" The woman then laughed heartily. Maria smiled, thinking about the fact that that was what Darim was doing; imitating his father. Soon, after the woman finished laughing, she asked Maria "By the way, what is YOUR husband doing right now?" Maria's smile faded into a look that said "Oh, no! I almost forgot!"

Meanwhile, at the gardens, Altair had Malik round up several other Assassins. Rauf and newcomers Baltasar, Ashur, and Sargon. "I have them, Altair." Malik said "4 assassins, just four." "Four is enough, brother." Altair replied, before continuing "Men, do you know why you are here?" All four shook their heads, before Baltasar raised his hand "Is it an assassination mission?" Altair shook his head. Then Ashur raised his hand and asked "Is it an investigation mission?" "No, none of those. Today is a very special day, brothers. Today I have decided that I will share what I have learned from the Artifact." Altair said, holding the Apple. All 3 recruits let out a collective "Ooh…" before Altair tucked away the Apple "However, I will only do this ONCE. Now, I want you four to round up ALL Assassins in and around Masyaf. Rauf, you take charge of this operation." "Yes, Altair. Alright, recruits! Hood up and roll out!" And then they were gone. Altair's master plan was now in motion…

7 hours later, the Castle's courtyard was full of Assassins. Altair and Malik looked down from the window behind the Grand Master's desk, seeing not only the Assassins, but their wives too. Eventually, Malik asked him "Altair, what do you plan on doing?" "I will turn this castle into a mosh pit, my brother. Don't worry; everything is going according to plan." Altair grinned maniacally. Still confused, Malik asked again "What on Earth is a "mosh pit", Altair?" Before Altair could reply, Rauf said "Altair, the Greek fire you ordered is ready." "Good," Altair said Palpatine-style "it's showtime, people!"

The three went out of the gates. After a few moments panning his view on the now-silenced crowd, Altair tied the Apple on a really long stick and drove it to the ground. The Apple began to glow again, creating an illusion that replaced the view of Masyaf's courtyard into the spitting image of New York's Madison Square Garden. The people were amazed to see this, but the illusion didn't stop there. The pole transformed itself into a microphone, while Malik and Rauf suddenly found themselves holding a shiny wood-metal construct that resembled a lute with six strings. As for Baltasar, he got a similar-looking contraption, but it had a longer neck and had only four strings; it also produced a deeper sound. Ashur found himself seated behind several drums made out of a material he hadn't seen before, with weird bass discs on top of them. He was holding two sticks in each hand. Sargon then had weird black box standing before him "A keyboard?" he asked himself, trying to pronounce the difficult name.

It wasn't just their surroundings that changed; their outfits too. The moment everyone blinked, what they were wearing was immediately changed! Altair had gone from his signature white hoodie to something more akin to Alex Mercer's clothes in _Prototype_, Malik was now in a black trenchcoat and white polo undershirt, Rauf is now a grey-jacketed chav wearing shemaugh, Baltasar and Ashur found themselves wearing faux leather jackets, while Sargon was wearing similar clothes to Dima Mayakovsky from _Battlefield 3_. "Wait a minute," Malik said "I only have one arm! How am I supposed to play this shiny-lute thingy?" "Are you sure?" Altair asked. Suddenly, Malik could feel another arm moving! "AWWW YEEAHH!"

Then, the song started; trumpet-like noises blaring and all. Everyone looked to Sargon, who seems to know the tune, but whose face says otherwise. Then Ashur started beating the drums, before Malik, Rauf and Baltasar started playing their instruments. It went on for a good 32 seconds. At last, Altair started to sing…

"_We're leaving together, but still it's farewell! Maybe we'll come back to Earth, who can tell? I guess there was no-one to blame. We're leaving ground! (Leaving ground!) Will things ever be the same again?" _The other 5 couldn't believe it, Altair can sing like _that?_ And that was just before the song's title drop.

"_**It's the Final Countdown!"**_

Back at the diner, Maria and Darim could hear the noises and see the pillars of fire emitting from the stronghold. 'God, he's using the Apple again…' Maria thought. Sighing with exasperation, Maria grabbed Darim's hand and said "Darim, we're going back. RIGHT. NOW." Darim shook his head "No! I'm not done with my dinner, mother! Just one last bite, pleeaaase?" Darim begged "No, we're going home!" Maria said. But Darim's other hand was still on the the table. Looks like the Englishwoman was going to have to pry Darim's other hand away from the shawarma-porridge combo. Like father, like son…

_Two songs later…_

"_Burning in my brain, I can feel no paaaiiin…"_ yup, Altair is now singing Ride the Lightning. By now, the entire order was moshing around in the castle courtyard, drinking booze, headbanging, smoking hashish. The whole shebang. Soon, the epic guitar riff came, which was when Altair ordered the Greek fire to go full power; burning the atmosphere whilst illuminating the stronghold. The combined jumping of 300 Assassins shook the earth beneath, creating a sensation that equaled to a really weak earthquake.

The song finally ended, Altair never felt more alive. He looked back at his five companions, who were enjoying every minute with the glee of a child playing tag. He turned his attention back to the Audience and asked "Do you guys want to see me do the Bohemian Rhapsody?" The crowd went wild when the Grand Master asked them this. Altair snapped his finger, making the band play Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody". Outside, Maria and Darim were already making their way to the castle, where they found the gates opened. Once they got inside, they were faced with a mobstacle course with people of all ages blocking their way to Altair. "Excuse me; pardon me! Mother and child coming through…" That went on until they were both in the front row. Altair hadn't noticed this, and was STILL singing this (along with Malik) "_Thunderbolt & Lightning very, very frightening me!"_ And then Rauf and Baltasar supplied the rest _"Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo Figaro-magnifico!" _Maria began to look for a suitable object to snap Altair out of this trance. 'Ah, this pan would do!' she thought. And proceeded to take her position behind the band whilst ordering Darim to stay at his father's desk.

_Altair: "I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me!"_

_Malik: "He's just a poor boy from a poor family! (Holds up picture of Robert de Sable) Spare him his life from this monstrosity!"_

_Altair: "Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?"_

_Rauf, Baltasar, Ashur, and Sargon: "Bismillah! We will not let you go" Altair: "Let me go!" (Repeats for three times)_

_RaBalAshuSar: "Will not let you go!" Altair: "Let me go!" (Repeats for two times)_

_Everyone: "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"_

Seeing this as the opportune time to strike, Maria let out a really loud "Ahem!" hereby revealing herself to the six. It was the perfect "Oh Crap" face in the history of humanity. Everyone was silent, until Malik sang

"_It's Maria! Oh Maria!" _Before Altair got grabbed by the neckline, following Malik's lead by singing _"My Maria let me go! The crowd won't like what you're about to do to me…to mee…TO MEEEEEEE!"_

In short, _the Masyaf Metalheads'_ first concert ended with the lead singer's disgruntled wife beating him with a rusted iron pan, the lead guitarist doing an air guitar with one hand, and their secondary guitarist, bassist, drummer, and keyboardist awkwardly standing there while the audience throws them what would essentially be their dinner for the next two weeks. But there seems to be something missing…

Oh yeah, the Apple got detached from the stick in the ensuing chaos and rolled towards little Darim…

**Looks like little Darim will find out why his father has been ignoring him for the past two days…Anyway, thanks for the reviews. I appreciate it. By the way, this is NOT a songfic. All the songs used here are used for comedic purposes ONLY. Do. Not. Sue. This is JGT-298, and the huge clusterf*** that you've read was The Masyaf Metalheads.**

_**Napakaraming Salamat Po Sa Inyong Lahat! Greetings from the Philippines!**_


	5. Memory 5: The Epilogue

**Alright, people. Here's the epilogue to **_**The Masyaf Metalheads**_**. Thanks for all the reviews. And by the way, I'm going to put up a sequel here starring Ezio and Leonardo. Stay tuned.**

_**The Masyaf Metalheads: The Epilogue**_

**I Do Not. Own. ANYTHING!**

12:00 A.M.

Darim was nibbling at his fingers when he saw a glowing ball rolling towards him. "Ooh, shiny!" he said to himself. Picking the ball up with difficulty, he held it close to his face. "Why so heavy, ball?" Suddenly, the Apple glowed brighter, momentarily blinding the 5 year old. Once the flash subsided, the child found himself surrounded by floating long-necked lizards and a panda wearing his father's clothes. Eating sticks of what appears to be cinnamon. Darim moved around for a bit, exploring this new world. "Mother? Father? Helloooooo?" he asked. He plopped himself down a fallen tree bark, which due to some strange reason, was colored purple. The tree bark wasn't the only weird object around. The lizards were orange, the sky was green, and the river was filled with chocolate-covered snails swimming in waters of fuchsia.

Suddenly, three musicians that looked like they had been ripped from Pablo Picasso's 1921 painting approached Darim, with the one in the middle asking him (in a Mexican accent, to boot) "Hey, boy! You want some music?" Darim nodded a silent yes. "Okay, boys, let's show this one how we make music!" The three started playing, which to describe the sound; would be a 60s-type rock song with plenty of psychedelic sounds reaching Darim's ears. And the kid liked it. "Hit it, Pablo!" commanded the one on the right. And sure enough, the one on the left began to sing…

"_In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, oh yeah._

_Don't you know that I'm lovin' you…"_

Meanwhile, back at the real world…

"**HASSAN! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SMOKING HASHISH NEAR A CHILD?"** Rauf yelled at the bone-headed scholar, Hassan.

_**The End**_

**For those of you who didn't get it, Hassan woke up while the band was playing, and decided to procure some Hashish. When he got back, he started smoking it near Darim, causing him to have an acid trip whilst receiving a concert from three musicians who happened to know how to play Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"**

**Anyway, thanks again for all the reviews, and stay tuned for this story's sequel: **_**"The Roman Rappers"**_**, with Ezio Auditore and Leonardo da Vinci.**

_**Mabuhay!**_


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